“If men strive, and hurt a women with child, so that her fruit depart from her, and yet no mischief follow: he shall be surely punished, according as the woman’s husband will lay upon him; and he shall pay as the judges determine. And if any mischief follow, then thou shalt give life for life.” (Ex.21:22-23)
I was married to a man when I was much younger, in my early twenties, who to me, was my best friend in the entire world. I trusted him with everything I had, until one day I found out he wasn’t being honest with me.
Unbeknownst to me, he had a serious problem with lust that went far beyond pornography. Not only was he hiding pornography in our home to view when I was away, but he had lust problems with literally everything that he saw. Had I been right with God at the time, I would have handled the situation better than I did. Feeling betrayed, hurt, and cheated, I sank into deep hurt, mistrust, and sadness. I felt as if I wasn’t good enough or pretty enough, and my trust in who I thought was my best friend was forever betrayed.
A few years after the realization of this problem, I was working for a Home Health Care company when the son of a patient I was caring for happened to notice me, giving me that attention I craved with his eyes. One thing led to another. One night my husband and I had a terrible fight, and I left. I stayed with the man who had paid that extra attention to me, the son of the woman who was my patient.
Now I had been told that I would never have children because of my extreme bout of eating disorders as a teenager. However, I slept with this man and became pregnant. I went back to my husband and we worked things out, knowing I would have to tell him what I did; but then things became complicated when I was late for my menstrual cycle. I was beside myself, not knowing what to do, and so I decided I would have an abortion.
One day when I turned the ignition switch in my car, the radio was on, and that last verse of a popular Whitney Houston song was blaring out through the speakers, “How can you throw away the miracle..the miracle inside of me…” I laid my hand on my belly and began to cry. It was then that I knew I could not go through with an abortion. For one, I had always wanted a child, but was told I couldn’t. Secondly, I didn’t believe in abortion; I was pro-life. I couldn’t bring myself to have a life God had placed inside of me, regardless of the circumstances, put to death.
I cried out, “Father, I can’t…I can’t do it! I will keep this child, but I need Your help through this. Please be with me.”
I called the man up whom had impregnated me and explained that I had ‘had’ an abortion. I told him that my mother took me and that she and I paid for it. Of course, I was lying. My intention was to keep the baby, and raise it as ours…the man I was married to, not telling him what I had done. So, finally, I told my husband I was pregnant. All through the pregnancy, the real father stalked me and threatened me, and I lived the entire pregnancy in fear. I begged God for forgiveness for what I was doing and the lie I was living.
One day I had a dream as I was sitting in the reclining rocking chair by the living room window. I was approximately 8 months pregnant, and I was tired. I fell asleep listening to Crystal Lewis. The song Amazing Grace was on, except in my dream, I was looking out the window, and I was the one singing the song. All was still except for the echoing, melodic sound of Crystal Lewis singing Amazing Grace a capella. When I awoke, I realized the Lord had spoken to me. It wouldn’t be smooth, nor would it be easy, but He had forgiven me, and the child and I would have His amazing grace.
I was at church one day well after the baby had grown in my womb, and they were doing the altar call. The preacher told anyone who wanted to be saved to raise their hand. This was the first time I felt her move. Immediately, I felt a thud, as if she raised her hand. It was so funny at the time, but maybe it was prophetic in a sense.
Six months after I had the child, I told my husband with my parents present (because he had a violent streak) the truth…everything. I watched him cry and anguish for the fact his wife had physically cheated on him, and this child he had grown to love and believed was his was not his after all. I had been almost as bad as King David. We stayed together a little while longer, until she was almost three, when he couldn’t take it any longer. We went our separate ways.
I thank God that I kept my daughter. She is beautiful, smart, and talented. She’s always on the honor roll, and she’s a born again, Spirit-filled Christian. Not only is she very active in the church, but she sings too. I may not have known what the heck God meant by amazing grace at the time, because that was years ago; and from the looks of everything back then, when on earth was I going to get his amazing grace? Sometimes, we ask for things, or God reveals Himself to us, but we may not see those results right away. God has His perfect timing; we just have to know how to be patient.
Had I ‘had’ an abortion, how would I feel about myself today? And I never would have given this amazing child the opportunity to live and be who she is. She’s glad she’s alive, and so am I! God can take the things we do that are sinful and turn them around for the good. Romans 8:28 “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.” You see, abortion really isn’t an option; it’s murder. Because of this situation, I have saved countless young women from going through with an abortion. I have witnessed to them, shared my story, and told them it will all work itself out if they just give it all over to God.
Later in my life, when my fourth child came along, I was struggling financially and by myself. I could see no way of supporting four children alone, when three was hard enough. My insurance at my company I worked for covered an abortion, so I called and made an appointment. I was even given an I.D. number from my insurance company immediately, and when I gave it to the lady at the abortion clinic, she was blown away at how quickly I received this number, and that they gave it to me. She said this was a good thing because it made the entire process easier and quicker.
That night, I was lying in my bed praying and crying. “Lord, I don’t believe in what I am about to do. I know this is a sin, so I’m asking You to forgive me in advance.” Just then, and it was the Holy Spirit of course, I heard the voice of a little girl inside of my mind.
“Mommy, please don’t let them take me from you! Please don’t have me killed!” I couldn’t bear it. If that wasn’t bad enough, I felt a thud in my abdomen, what it feels like when you’re pregnant and the baby kicks. Of course the baby was microscopic at this point, so I didn’t feel a baby kick; the Holy Spirit did it to remind me, “This is a life!” I cancelled my appointment the very next day.
I’m not going to lie, it wasn’t easy because I had to do most everything myself. The day I came home from having her, I had to go grocery shopping in zero degree weather, climb up and down stairs, walk far, haul one of my sons who was still in a car seat up and down the stairs and everywhere while I carried the newborn in another car seat. I bled for 8-9 weeks and had trouble recovering…but I did it! And the Lord helped me through it all.
If anyone reading this is considering an abortion, or knows someone who is, please, I urge you to reconsider your decision. Abortion is murder, and although it might seem your only desperate option at the time, it’s never as bad as you imagine. In fact, giving birth to a child is one of the most special things a woman can experience in her life. There are churches, places, organizations, and people who will help you..you’d be amazed! My church did help me through quite a few things during my fourth pregnancy; but overall, I didn’t seek out programs or help…but you can! Before you have your child put to death, remember that it is not our decision to make, but God’s. If God did not want this child here, the child would not be here. Before you commit the sin of murder, walk into any good Christian church and approach the Pastor, even if you don’t know anyone. Tell them your situation, and ask for help. I would rather forfeit my pride any day of the week than be guilty of killing my own offspring. You’ll be amazed how many people will come to your aide and take you and your child under their wing.
You see, God does forgive us, and we are released from the yoke of bondage of the sin in heaven; it is wiped clean from our record, completely! However, sometimes in the flesh we must be accountable for the things that we have done. We must be willing to accept responsibility for our sins. If a man has murdered another and goes to prison for the murder, he may at some point find Christ during his sentence here in this world. He may repent completely for that sin, confessing guilt before God and feeling the conviction in his heart for what he has done. Yet here on this earth, he will continue serving his sentence for the crime he has committed. In heaven, it will be as though it never happened, and he will have eternal life. Do you follow what I am saying here? Just because there are consequences in our flesh we must suffer for our sins, doesn’t mean that in the spiritual places we aren’t forgiven. Sometimes God might maneuver situations to make our suffering less if we are truly repentant; it depends on the circumstances, and on the heart of the person repenting.
Seek the Lord, who will bless you and help you, and know that once you do, He takes you under His mighty wings! He will take care of you, I promise, because He not only forgave me of my adulterous sins, and sins of fornication when I truly repented, but He took care of me! I love my children, and I wouldn’t have them any other way. God bless you! If you are alone or struggling with an unwanted pregnancy, I welcome you to email me at Lyn.Leahz@att.net and I will be so happy to speak with you, as well as pray, and find you help for your situation. I promise. I will do anything I can to save your soul from the anguish and guilt of something so tragic, and the life of your unborn child. I will even go through the pregnancy with you from afar, and be your support.
And, if you are a woman who is depressed or stressed out with being a mother, and you need someone to talk to, I am here. Remember, as I said, I had little help. Because I know what this is like, I can help you. Please write to me at the above email dress confidentially and I will hold your hand as you go through your stress. I will do whatever I can to save you from making a terrible mistake that could affect your future, as well as your children(s). Don’t be shy, and remember, it’s confidential. I won’t tell anyone. I promise.