Did you think I didn’t see?
I saw you gazing with such longing at the future version of yourself and I understood what you were going through. On your face I saw pain and envy and so much sadness. I saw the things you worked hard to hide, too – I looked into your heart and I saw the depth of your shame, and the bitterness that you still suffer while this woman is free. I see everything, you know. I see the hidden things.
My daughter, I know you so well. You know that, but you still get angry with me sometimes because you think that I don’t understand you. You ask me why I don’t step in and sort out all the troubles that you hold so tightly in your fists and you question my love for you. No, don’t protest – I hear you say that you accept my love but you think that love is a frail, pathetic, limited thing.
I love you with a love that existed from before the beginning of time. My love has survived much greater challenges than anything you throw at it and still I go on loving. I am Love. You don’t believe how much I love you because your capacity to give and receive love is tiny in comparison with mine. You limit it still further by refusing to believe the truth about yourself.
I made you. I am the Lord, and I made the lions and the trees and the penguins and the pine-cones and all the things that you find so appealing, beautiful and awe-inspiring – and I made you. I made every bone in your body, every cell and hair on your head, and I was pleased with what I made. I didn’t look at my daughter Helen and have the smallest regret. I smiled when I saw you, and as you sleep at night I gaze at you and I kiss your forehead and I smooth your hair from your forehead with the same tenderness that I see you doing with your daughters.
I love you, precious one. I love you just as you are. You remind me of my Son; you’re more like him all the time. Don’t keep batting my love away with polite thanks and disbelief. Let it sink in and transform you. It will transform you, you know. If you were to grasp just an inkling of the breadth and depth of my love, it would change your life.
You do not disappoint me. I love you with a love that will not let go. Not ever. Don’t compare me with the people who have let you down in the past. You don’t have to be wary of me. You don’t have to protect that sore place deep in your heart; let me in. When I touch it, I will heal it. I am the Healer.
I know that you’re not perfect, my precious one. I know that you’ve made mistakes and I know that you will make more. You can’t put any of it right on your own – that’s what my grace is for. Listen to me, there is enough grace to go round. My Son took care of that. There’s always enough to cover you. I don’t keep any record of the rubbish in your life; on the contrary, the things I pin on the walls of heaven are my snapshots of your face turned towards me, your hands reaching for heaven, your baby steps, your love-notes. Not one of those moments is lost – I treasure them all.
I grieve for the pain you put yourself through. I see how hard you try and I know how hard on yourself you are when things go wrong. You panic and lose your focus and if you can’t do everything perfectly you are tempted to give up and not to bother trying. You listen to the voices in your head when they tell you that you’re worthless and inadequate and you believe the lies. One of those lies is that you would be more acceptable to me if you were thinner. My Spirit in you will soon teach you to hear how ridiculous that belief is, and you will take your first steps to being the woman you long to be, but there is more that we must do before then.
Don’t let the voice of the evil one overpower the hope that you have. You let that hope be eroded by self-doubt and self-accusation and perfectionism. I don’t expect you to be perfect; I can use your imperfections! In your world people are desperate to give the impression that they are completely in control, but control is as much an illusion as self-sufficiency. Again and again I see the relief on people’s faces when they find that they are not alone. Be open with people and show your struggles and triumphs and the things that you learn because it is in such honesty that people see me and believe.
You fear failure, but I am not limited by your definition of success. Every time you fall I reach down and offer my hand and every time you take it and get to your feet again the angels sing, and, my love, it’s a beautiful, beautiful song.
Don’t keep worrying about that other woman. I showed her to you to give you peace; to help you believe that I am not finished with you yet. I have a plan for you, my daughter, and I will not give up on you. There is so much that we can do together.
Don’t worry about what might happen tomorrow, next month or next year. Don’t worry about the road ahead, because I’ll walk with you. In good times we’ll celebrate together, and believe me, I’m a good person to have at a party. In bad times I’ll hold you tight and carry you in my arms, but you and me, we’ll keep on walking. Don’t look at the woman you’ll one day be and despair of ever getting there. We’ll do it one step at a time. I know you can do it.
Be brave, little one.
Here’s what I want you to do. I want you to focus on joy. You have it in your reach but too often you turn inwards defensively and lick your wounds. You have all you need. You are fully equipped. If I think that you need something else, something new, then I will give it to you. I will never see you go into battle poorly armed. You have all you need, and I’m coming with you anyway. I will never leave your side; you are not alone. When the voice in your head tells you that you are lonely, overrule it. Again, I say, you are not alone. I am here.
I am all you need.
Let my Holy Spirit in your mind and heart take control and resist the worry, the anxiety and the fear.
Say, ‘No. I have the Lord.’
Say it after me: ‘No. I have the Lord.’
This is truth.
With my love. Believe it.
This is a response to a previous post – Letter to a Stranger.