Desert Water

Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. Isaiah 43:18-19

God has advised us that we must forgive. We must let go of the past. And that we should also forget the past. He promises if we will do this He will restore our minds. Assuage our Hearts – and refresh us as streams In the desert.

This past week my sister and I went to visit our elderly mother. We flew in from different parts of the country to give our brother a much needed respite. Arrived with groceries. Flowers and presents to shower on her.

5 days of taking care of her like she was our child. Cooking. Cleaning. Washing. Dressing her. We doted. Did her hair and makeup. We fed her. Planted gardens. Told her stories. Showed her pictures of the family. We did as much as we could think of for her.

And she would smile. And she would nod. And she seemed to truly be happy we were there. She spent many hours listening to her music. Leaning in to the hustle and bustle of the now noisy house. We even took her to sit in the fresh air all wrapped up in blankets so she could feel the cool evening off the fields near her home.

But she was not “there” a lot. She would look at me with her china blue eyes and smile pleasantly….and then drift off into her cat nap dreams. She occasionally wanted to talk about things. But much of it was snatches of memories that I maybe didn’t have.

Not once did she speak of her husband. My dad. Deceased nearly 3 years now. There was much much turmoil which had been building for years when he died. A fragmented family. Courts. Elderly protection. Financial malfeasance at the hands of a family member. It is too too ugly for me to even revisit in this writing. I don’t think I will ever completely heal from it.

And as I looked into the face of my Mother and remembered her part in it all I found myself praying. Oh God. Please Forgive me. Show me how to move on. I have forgiven. I think. But I haven’t forgotten. So, please steal the memories from me, Lord. I want to let go. But my trust was crushed. And now, I just can’t open up. Lest I get hurt. I. Just. Can’t.

And so I buried my feelings and busied myself to get to the next act of service I performed for her. Surely God sees my intent. Even if I felt blank inside.

I think there comes a time in the human heart when it carries too much. For too long. It just shuts off. Its not good. It’s not bad. It’s not angry. Its not happy. It just…Is.

I liken it to one day the power bolts through the electric wires and then another day it doesn’t. The power source is still there. The heart. It just doesn’t send any signals. Maybe that is her heart too. We all had so much damage. And she lost nearly everything she held dear too.

I hope that one day I will feel something again. More than duty. More than resignation to what was and is and will be.

As I left my mother’s side today I kissed her forehead. Told her I loved her. Promised to come back…And shut the door softly. I glimpsed her through the window. She looked straight ahead. Not turning to show me her face once more. And I had this strange flip in my heart. Will I ever see her again?

I have so much still to process. And I thought that I had gotten past the trauma of several years ago. I look to forgive. I want to let go. And I desire peace for her and for us all.

I am still waiting. But I cannot wait too long. Because the child in me still wants to see those china blue eyes at least one more time and hear my mom call my name like she knows me. I need to release… and to wallow into God’s sweet healing waters – those promised streams in the desert.

Update: and so my mom has had a small stroke and is now in Hospital. The Lord has been working on my heart. My head space and my ability to see her with a spirit filled perspective.

She has lost her vision and so those China blue eyes have gone dim. I am heartbroken for her; she is scared. I am praying for her healing. Her vision and that she can be restored to health. Please join me if you will – as where ever two or more come together in prayer, Jesus will be there also. Thank you for your consideration.

About setyourpathsstraight

It is my desire to serve God and others through writing; by proclaiming His goodness, provision and character in story form. Though I was not always a follower of Jesus Christ, I have experienced life changes that can only be a result of personally meeting Him. He is not a God of religion, but of relationship. I don't have the answers to life's challenges, but I know where to find them...only in God's Word can any of us stop following crooked paths. The month of my spiritual birthday, I read Proverbs 3:5-6 and claimed it as my life verse... "Trust in the Lord in all you do, lean not on your own understanding In all your ways acknowledge Him.... and He will Set Your Paths Straight." Thank you for your visit today. Please come back again.
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4 Responses to Desert Water

  1. ptl2010 says:

    Regret or recriminations for not doing more to mitigate consequences to ourselves and those we love may result in -life long condemnation.
    This can be overcome as we remember Romans 8:1 “There is therefore no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus” .When we cannot forgive ourselves and others, remember that Christ has forgiven us if we have confessed and repented. and we can do the same to others who have failed in their duties I pray the Holy Spirit will help you resolve your issue in the love of our Lord Jesus.
    May this blog behove those who have dependents whether seniors , children or others, to do their best while they can. Action today reduces misery post-facto. Prayer changes things.

  2. Doug Mc Clintock says:

    God forgives and forgets and He wants us to do the same. But as mortals, this is a very hard task to do. We must have the love of God in our lives in order to do it.
    Corrie Ten Boom was one that exhibited it in her life. She was a prisoner in a Dutch consecration camp where conditions were horrible. Camp guards treated them so badly, many died .Corrie ‘s sister was one but Corrie was able to go through it all !
    She migrated to Canada and had a very effective ministry. On one occasion after finishing a talk, a man rushed up with his bible in one hand and wanted to shake hands with Corrie !
    Corrie realized that this man was one of the German guards who was at her camp ill treating the inmates and actually caused her sister’s death !
    In a split second, what was she to do ? God had forgiven her sins, could she do the same for this man ?
    He did not recognize her but Corrie shook hands, realizing this was not the same man she knew in the camp. God had saved him, he was a new creature in Christ now, all things have become new !
    Sometimes in order to forgive and forget, God will test you so you can do it in His love !

    • Excellent point. And thanks for taking the time to write. Yes. I am aware of the story regarding Corrie Ten Boom. I am thankful your reminded
      me. What a kind gesture. Really appreciate your guidance. And honesty. Blessings on you. And thank you again.

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